FINALEDITFullVideoKathyandMandi
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[00:00:00] Welcome. So for those of you that are going to be either watching this or listening, did you experience trauma as a kid and has this hindered your relationships in some way? Are you ready to learn a little bit more about healing your inner child? If you are, then you're in the right place. the right place.
Thank you Kathy for being here and thank you to those who are either listening or watching. My name is Mandy Gardner and I'm the founder of Holistic Evolution Shala. We teach women who are recovering from childhood trauma how to stay calm, how to stay emotionally regulated, so that we can overcome these different things that we experience from it, right, which can include addiction or hypervigilance.
Trust issues, relationship issues, and our whole goal at the end of the day is to really help. We're healing our inner hearts. To ultimately be able to connect to others in a deeper way, and to [00:01:00] help influence our relationships in a really positive way. I'm here with Kathy Sanderson, and she is with the Inner Child Healing, and she has a Facebook group, and she hosts retreats.
And so I'm really excited to ask her some questions. I'm going to interview her about her experiences, uh, with healing the inner child and how that really relates to healing from the effects of childhood trauma. All right, Kathy. So you've helped so many people heal their inner child and I wonder if you would be willing to share what exactly is inner child work and You know, why connecting with that part of ourselves is so essential for trauma recovery.
So the inner child is the part of us that as a child didn't feel heard, didn't feel wanted, didn't feel understood, didn't feel seen, didn't feel that they mattered. [00:02:00] So we've all got an inner child. But for the people who can, um, relate to those, um, words which I just said, more often than not our inner child shuts down, or we shut down, our emotional capabilities aged around six to seven.
And that's why we become the type of person who can't emotionally regulate. Um, stamps their feet when things are going wrong, reverts back to that child, because it's like we were stunted, who can't, um, deal with problems from an adult perspective, takes everything to heart, everything must be because of them, takes everything personally.
In a child is that part of us, but still takes everything personally, because as a child. We just can't see anything other than [00:03:00] egotistically. So we can't have an appreciation that, um, mom and dad have been fighting for since we were born. And that's the reason dad's left, not the fact that he told you to tidy your room and you didn't.
And then the next thing, you know, you come home from school and he's not there. That type of thing. So as an adult, we'd know mom and dad were fighting. Maybe mom had an affair. Maybe dad had an affair. Maybe they just couldn't live together. But as a child, the only thing that we can see is, I didn't tidy my room and, um, now dad's gone and I'm to blame.
It's all my fault. You know, that kind of thing. So in a child, work is powerful in two ways because quite often it hurts you to remember that time as a child. So we do everything as adults to not remember it, whether [00:04:00] that is, um, drink, alcohol, addiction, shopping, getting new shoes, new handbags, everything so that we don't remember what it felt like to be a child.
But if you can think about that, if we think about the inner child as a different entity, you're constantly telling your inner child That you were no good, because you don't want to remember that time. You want to shut it away in a box. It's too embarrassing. It hurts too much, that type of thing. So when we do inner child work, it has two main benefits.
It merges you. Into your inner child, your inner child in you become one. Um, it's not, oh my god, that's so embarrassing, or that was so traumatic, or I'm never ever going there. You become that one thing. And you also realise that those things that you thought [00:05:00] happened to you,
You're not that person anymore. So whereas as a child you had no say in what was going on in your life, you do now as an adult. Once you've reached the age of 16 you can leave home, you can get a job, you can get your own money, you can get your own place. But because of our emotional capabilities being shut down as a child through, um, whatever trauma we experienced or perceived, then we can't see that actually those things going on around us we can deal with.
Because you kind of deal with them as a child. I think what I took away from that the most is that, you know, there's, by not looking at it, we're kind of rejecting that part of ourself. And by, by allowing ourselves to, you know, look at it, allows us to come to a place of acceptance. [00:06:00] Which is part of, part of that healing process, right?
And the fact, you know, when you're growing up, you don't feel like you fit in. You don't feel like you matter. This, these are the people who have inner child wounds. I'm not talking in general. But you don't feel like you matter. You feel that everyone else is so important. Um, you're not pretty enough.
You're too fat. You're too ugly. All of those types of things. So we are just really keeping that going. By keeping our inner child shut in that box. No, you're hurtful. You're dangerous. You're scary. You're not coming out When it comes to the role of community and healing, you know, you put together this, you know, beautiful Facebook group and you come together in these retreats in person.
You've really built a strong community of people of all different paths, as well as trauma survivors. How important is it for people to heal in a supportive community? And you know, how does that [00:07:00] really, how does that collective energy, you know, really help us in the healing process? It helps us hugely.
When you have a healing, you, there's only yourself in that healing energy. When you're together in a community, when you're together in a group healing, everybody's energy is there, but not only everybody's energy, but everybody's intention. So everybody's intention is there to meet with their inner child, to be able to deal with those issues from childhood.
Maybe just one, but you know to actually start to address our inner child and come together and show our inner child the compassion that we show everybody else. So when you think about everybody, say like there's 20 people in a workshop, then those 20 people have that power of intention, which is then amplified.
So the healing that happens when I take [00:08:00] you back to reconnect with your inner child is deep, is profound, because it's amplified. But the thing with community, especially, um, when we've got inner child wounds is we didn't feel part of a community as a child. We didn't have those people that we could go to.
So by creating this community now within our camping and healing, um, group is people feel heard. People see it, feel seen, but they also know that they have that support. They're with people who are doing the same thing or have done the same thing or are on that path and they can support each other. And it's that support, which is powerful because Like I said, you didn't get that.
No one got you. No one understood what you were going through. Everyone thought that you were being a little ninny, whinge, whinge. Everyone, I've had it worse. No one understood, [00:09:00] but in a community, everyone's there to see you and to see you heal, to see you become the best version that you're able to be at that time.
Yeah, that's beautiful. I definitely can relate to that in my own, you know, healing journey, how important it was to have, you know, safe connections, you know, people who understood and, you know, possibly could relate to what I had experienced, you know, it was very, Validating, you know, when you come from really invalidating home environment, it can be challenging.
Right? And so when you finally find people who you're like, you know, because I do know that part of my experience was feeling, you know, like, you know, why is this still affecting me? And what's wrong with me? And why shouldn't I just get over this? And, you know, kind of really, feeding myself up and, you know, being able to have another person relate to it.
Like, wow, I'm not the only one [00:10:00] suffering with this, and it's not just me, you know, it really helps to open this up a little bit and, and offer a sense of I guess because it just helps with that connective piece. Well, as far as creating safe spaces for, you know, this really deep healing, this inner child work, you know, your retreats offer a safe space for participants to heal.
What are the key elements that create the safe space that were, that allow people to really open up and explore this? So we're really lucky. We've got 25 acres here in Southwest Wales. So just being in nature, It's so healing in, um, in the UK at the moment, the, actually a prescription, um, of nature, being in nature, it's, it's noted how important it is.
So I think that opens up the whole healing thing, but I think, so my, my journey of, um, childhood trauma [00:11:00] isn't, The same as somebody else's who's gone through, um, sexual abuse, um, emotional abuse, those types of things where they would have been taken away by social services or, um, a social worker.
I've still felt those same emotions. So sometimes people don't understand why they're feeling the way that they do because they haven't had those experiences that people think about when people say childhood trauma. And I, you know, I've had people say to me, Oh my God, you had it so much better than me.
What on earth do you have to be upset about? But by Acknowledging how my inner child felt and why, and by telling my story, it enables people to actually relate to the [00:12:00] things that went on in their childhood that maybe they didn't think Well, they know it hurts, but they didn't know it was wrong. They just thought they were too sensitive type thing.
So actually hearing somebody say, well, that, that happened and it was wrong. And these are the reasons why it was wrong. They're like, Oh my God, that's why it felt so strange. That's why it hurt. That's why it didn't feel right. And by giving people the opportunity to share, that creates that safe space. The What I teach in my workshops is the ability to connect with your inner child in a way that once you've done it, you can't stop.
You can just close your eyes and your inner child's there. I'm not going to do it so you can only do it with me. And you know, if you want to do you have to come back to [00:13:00] me. I don't do it like that because I think inner child healing is imperative to begin your healing journey. And I want everyone to be on their healing journey.
So by providing these techniques and the self help to start building that relationship with your inner child. So when you come up against blocks that you can't get free, you come to me or you come to somebody like me, or you go to a different kind of therapist. To give you those Bits that you can do every day like, um, saying good morning to your inner child when you wake up.
Did someone say that to you in the morning? No, you just rolled down for breakfast. It was a You know, what did you dream about? Tell me about your dreams. Imagine how important you would have felt if someone [00:14:00] wanted to know your dreams as a child. It would just tell you, wouldn't it, that actually what's happening to you matters.
So if you can start to build that relationship with your inner child so that they actually feel like they do matter, then that's something that you're doing daily to build that relationship, which is helping in turn to heal you. And that's why what we do is so powerful, because what we teach is always self empowerment, not reliance on others.
Yes. Yes. I think that's beautiful. And I completely agree with that, you know, really trying to tap into your inner authority, you know, and really, you know, making yourself the, you know, the final say, right? And not just looking to others for answers all the time, right? Because ultimately we do have everything we need in our hearts, [00:15:00] right?
All the love that we can provide others, we can provide for ourselves too. By also then, by teaching your little one that what they have to say is important, that somebody is listening, it encourages the little one to keep digging for answers, to keep trying, to keep bringing forward their intuition, so that you will be more confident with your intuition and listening to your inner voice.
So that you can find those answers within, it's a whole kind of healing circle. So, when we're looking at healing beyond traditional therapy, you know, I know that that's something that I've always really sort of looked for. And I wonder in your experience, you know, what is it about holistic methods, such as inner child work or, you know, in person retreats, that really helps [00:16:00] trauma survivors move forward?
So, a few years ago now, I worked with a lady who had been in With this one therapist for 20 years. And she'd seen what I was doing on Facebook. She was from your side of the pond and we worked together. Um, and she would go in and he would say, I don't know what this is. Kathy is doing but it's marvelous because you are meeting every one of the tasks that I've given you now And you are moving forward in your healing and what I found i'd been in and out of counseling from the age of 16 And I found it was really easy to move the conversation of talk therapy Towards something I wanted to talk about I found it was really easy to deflect.
Now, whether it was because, um, I was paying them by the hour, and you know, they don't really care, uh, [00:17:00] whether it was seen as okay to keep going back for 20 years to a talk therapist, um, Maybe that's why, but I'm very, very fortunate that I have this gift where when I'm talking to somebody, I can know the age and the experience that happened, that they're ready to deal with, that they're ready to heal, that they may have forgotten about, but I can guide them too.
And then we can look at, well, actually this happened here, what did it teach you? What did it teach you about yourself, about other people, about the world around you? And to look at how those beliefs about yourself and others were created, and how they're now playing out in this reality, so that we can see where they came from, and where we need to change, and whether this is still true.
And whether we want that to be still true [00:18:00] because you know, some people it suits them to be as they are and some people aren't ready to change it. I went, uh, to over 15 years of talk therapy and my experience was that I kept kind of unfortunately, you know, reliving the trauma. I kept going back into that dark place and it was.
Not, you know, I got to a point where it felt really unproductive and, you know, in the beginning, I do believe it was really helpful because it was the first time I'd ever had, you know, this healthy relationship with a grown woman that, that was able to validate my experience as a child and let me know that It's totally normal that you're struggling with, you know, anxiety and depression after experiencing these things, you know, and that was huge for me.
It was this huge light bulb moment. And so I do know that there's so much value in it. I just, unfortunately for me, it [00:19:00] felt that I just kept kind of reliving the past. And rehashing old stuff versus moving forward and learning new techniques and new skills, right? Which, hopefully, is what we're addressing a little bit today.
You know, that ought to really tap into your child and to take ownership of our healing process. And that's the thing, isn't it? It was thought for so long that there were only these treatments of CBT or electroshock therapy, if we go back that far, or talk therapy, or pharmacuticals, there was only that.
And now there are so many different things and Some things are going to suit some people and some things aren't going to suit other people. And some people would much rather do hypnotherapy where they don't really have to remember. Um, and some people would rather go deep, deep down and [00:20:00] do the deep shadow work and that stuff.
So, it's good now that we are in this space. It's age 20 years from 20 years ago, basically, where it's all more out in the open. It's not just in little areas, little hippie areas where people are doing that thing. It's very mainstream. Well, maybe it's mainstream to me because that's all I see, but, um, it's much more available.
And it's much more known, and that's good because not everything is going to be suitable for everybody. Thank you so much. Moving on to talking about breaking free from these patterns that we develop, these trauma related patterns. For those who feel stuck in these, you know, similar behaviors of trauma, let's say abandonment or hypervigilance, um, anxiety patterns and relationships of, you know, [00:21:00] maybe communicating effectively, things like this.
You know, what are some of the first steps that we can take to break free and to begin, you know, really creating the life that we truly want. There's a few ways we can look at, um, I do a little technique where we start at something that's, um, hurt us. Recently. So something, a situation that happened to us recently, and we look at who was involved, what was happening, what was said and where we were, and how it made you feel.
And then we look again at something that made you feel the same way, six months previous. And we look again, who was involved, what happened and how it made you feel. Then we go back a year, then we go back 5 years, then we go back 10 years, then we go back 10 years, and depending on how old you are like me, you could go back another 10 years, until we get to [00:22:00] 16.
And then we go back to age 6. And what we're looking for is that pattern. So, the power of that exercise is that we can actually see how that experience that we had when we were 6, Has, is still influencing us today. How our inner child's feelings, thoughts and emotions and beliefs about the world is still controlling how we are moving forward.
And it's a pretty powerful way to see. But there's also looking at how that behavioural action is actually serving us. So, um, I do something else called soul realignment and we call it in this negative guides. We develop a way [00:23:00] of being enables us to survive that experience as a child. So because it enabled us to experience as a child, we should.
see that it helped us, realize that it's no longer relevant and drop it. But because we get caught in that trauma loop, we don't. So we carry on being that child who never speaks up, the one who ignores what's going on, the one who allows people to bully us because it's safer, that type of thing. So we look then and we look at, well, hang on, is that behavior serving us now?
How did it serve us? Thank you. So grateful that we had that ability to do that and it gave us a great service, but now it's no longer. So that's why sometimes it's easier for people to know that call it as a negative spirit guide, [00:24:00] because it was an energy that came in that allowed us to survive. But now we don't need to survive.
You are stopping us from thriving. So what I take away from that To being able to have perhaps a little bit of mindfulness while we are in the grips of, you know, becoming emotionally heightened or triggered, right? Like, if we're getting really upset and really looking and trying to be mindful of, you know, just like you said, like, what's the situation that's happening right now?
You know, who aren't I with? What is it involved around an example from my own life? When I was a child, I experienced my stepfather cheating on my mom, and I didn't actually see it, but he had affairs and it led to a divorce and it was, you know, very tumultuous. And anyway, growing up, later becoming an adult woman, I just had this belief that men [00:25:00] cheat, right?
And that's not the healthiest thing, right? And so then entering into a relationship where, you know, I really want. This healthy relationship with a person, right? But there was this time that he didn't answer the phone and it was right in the beginning of a few months of dating. And I immediately got triggered and I immediately just thought that he was cheating, right?
Because of my past. My past experience. And in that moment, I had to use mindfulness and I had to talk myself down and remind myself, like, okay, this is not him. This comes from a step away. And as I'm talking to myself, um, and, You know, and also keeping myself from writing a crazy text message in, you know, my heightened emotion and fear.
I'm like, where are you? What are you doing? You said you'd be home, you know, but I'm, I'm in the grips. I'm also trying to breathe and and [00:26:00] realize like, Okay, well, you know, this isn't him. This is me, right? And then sure enough, he calls me and he says, Oh, sorry, I was I just went by my brother's and we were in conversation and I'll be home in a little bit.
Right? And so I had this huge, explosive, emotional. Out that it felt in my, my chest, right? Um, all because of this one little thing, right? It, it dealt with my partner, my close intimate group who didn't answer the phone when I expected, and I expected that, right? And so then it triggered me to have all these fearful thoughts that came from my, my previous experience, right?
And I am so grateful for my ability to start recognizing and learning and being able to stop myself before I go into these, you know, trauma based behaviors. Um, anyway, I'm, I'm so grateful for Because had you not been able to recognize [00:27:00] that and observe that, then you may have put that situation into motion by going off on him and him thinking, Oh my God, I can't do this anymore, you know, going to a bar, getting drunk.
It's that whole thing, isn't it? And by, because you're aware of it, then you've chosen to bring people into your life now who are going to reflect a different emotion, a different experience, because literally just bringing it out into the light, enabling it to be seen is such a powerful thing that we can do.
So, moving on to, you know, how childhood trauma really affects us in relationships. You know, many people with unresolved trauma struggle in relationships. Would you be willing to share some of the insights into how, you know, healing your child can really transform our [00:28:00] relationships and lead to deeper, more fulfilling connections.
That one experience I was saying to you about being stuck as that six year old wounded child, will you think about what a six year old would be like in a relationship? So, everything would have to be immediate, nothing would be allowed to go wrong, um, everything would have to be about them, and you, you see these relationships playing out, you watch your friends have them, you see your male friends have girlfriends who are that demanding, you see them on the soaps.
And that literally is, that wounded inner child, and that's what becomes the narcissist and all of those behaviours. Because they have learned a way that got their unmet needs as a child met. Like that negative spirit guide type thing we spoke about. They worked out a way to behave [00:29:00] that, um, enabled them to get their needs met.
And as we move then into child, into, as we, they become parents, their children only see that one side, but the people around them know what that person's being through. So they enable that behavior because they're like, yeah, but, oh, her dad was awful. You know, her dad used to beat her when he'd come home.
So you can understand why she's behaving like that to other people who are in that relationship who've got no idea. They've got, they, they can't excuse that behavior. So, um, the wounded in a child just basically drives that relationship and you end up with a partner who has been taught by their parents that they are the fixer, the people pleaser, the enabler.[00:30:00]
And you will always find in those relationships that you have the narcissist, the wounded inner child who reflects outwardly, to being with a wounded inner child who reflects inwardly. That's that codependency thing, because they both get their needs met, um, although it doesn't feel good for the enabler, but they are still reliving that Bible belief that we spoke about before, that everything that we experience before the age of seven becomes what life is.
So if they always had to people please, and make sure that their parents were happy, they're going to pick up a partner, Reflects those needs because that's the only way they know to exist and to get, um, appreciation. So when it comes to the power of retreats in trauma healing, you know, your [00:31:00] healing retreats are an immersive experience for the people who come, you know, you're in the nature and you're surrounded by these very, uh, heart opened people.
You know, what makes a retreat setting so powerful and you know, what have been some of the most transformational moments that you've witnessed during these retreats?
Like, um, we all discovered during lockdown, everyone can go on Zoom and have a therapy session. But they can't control who comes to the door. They can't control the dogs kicking up. They can't control, as soon as they get off that session, what's going to happen. The phone's going to ring, people are going to be there.
So, one of the beauties of a retreat is it's a 48 hours of just you time. So from the moment you get there, everything is set up around you. It's there for you. So you don't have to worry about the dogs [00:32:00] barking. You don't have to worry about meeting anybody else's needs for 48 hours but yourselves. And the beauty of retreats, of course, is that the meals are made for you.
Everything's done for you. So you can go to a really powerful deep inner child healing session and And then you can go off and you can have time to reflect, you can have time for journal, you can have time to process. You don't have to worry about cooking dinner, you don't have to worry about going shopping, you don't have to worry about meeting other people's needs, you can just sit and be still.
The beauty of our retreats is of course you can go and sit under a tree, on a rock, in the mountain itself. Surrounded by flowers, watching nature, watching the hawks, all of that type of stuff. Circling, you can stay out till dusk and watch the bats, all of that. Because, There's so many different ways of healing, but when you go on a retreat, it's just intense and it's [00:33:00] immersive, like you said, but it's that time just for you.
I also agree that being in nature is just so healing and therapeutic. We wear shoes all the time. We don't walk barefoot anymore, you know. We're in these concrete jungles and, you know, we very rarely get out into nature and I think that that is, you know, such a beautiful way to reconnect. We have some really deep inner child work.
With me and, um, reprogramming of thoughts and beliefs and things like that. But then we also have time for play. So my friend Leanne, she does some forest sessions. So, you know, you get to really bring out your inner child and we made fairies and a fairy village and, um, a dog log and things like that, because we need that time for play to process.
With our inner child, rather than going 48 hours [00:34:00] or 24 hours or whatever, um, heavy. On just process, on just thoughts, beliefs, digging, all of that, we need time to process and there's no better or quicker way to process anything but by being in a joyful energy. Community gatherings, so we do everything, um, you can come along as a family, you can come along as a couple, single person, no problem, but we have trampolines and all camp, they're taken by the children.
Can't get near that. But the adult retreats that we run, the adult gatherings, those trampolines actually get used by the adults. So they couldn't go on them with the children around, but when they're done, it's just adults. They actually manage to get on, and they have so much fun. Good for them. Good. Wow.
Yeah, let go. Let go of that. Let go of that junk. That's awesome. And it helps you to regulate. Notice that it helps the children [00:35:00] regulate. So we tried not having a trampoline because they do wreck them. But we tried not having a trampoline and the energy was just so fizzy. With the kids, but when they're bouncing and releasing all of that energy, so I noticed that especially once after we've had some deep work in our workshops within the adults retreats that they actually go and bounce.
So they are still connecting with their inner child and they are releasing that energy in that bouncy, expansive, energy, child, fun way, which is great to see. Because I'm sure parts of it can feel really heavy and, and really, you know, hard. And so to be able to have that, you know, expressive, um, opportunity, I think is, is lovely.
We all need to play a little more definitely. So I just have a few more questions when it comes to kind of [00:36:00] navigating the healing journey, right? Like we need to be able to, you know, have some grace with ourselves. So, you know, what's your recommendation for people on how to hold more compassion for themselves when they're going through this challenging process?
So it's quite interesting because I would I do this inner child work, and I would still be telling my inner child off for being a bully, for being mean to people, for not doing the right thing. And it was only as I got deeper into my self love work that I actually realized what I was doing. And I was totally reinforcing those beliefs that I had about myself from childhood.
So it was very, very powerful when I opened my arms up to my little one and I said, I understand why you did that. I know [00:37:00] why you did that. You know that back to that negative spirit guide. Um, I know why you acted that way. Because it enabled you to get what you needed, but also because you were hurt. You felt left out.
You wanted to make yourself stand out more than the next person. So, once we actually have that, understanding of why we do stuff. We can, um, we can actually have that compassion for our inner child. And it's about being able to look out in a child as we would our friend. So if our friend came to us and said, Oh, this has happened.
We'd be full of compassion. We'd listen. We'd let them be heard. Um, we'd probably give them some advice. [00:38:00] But we would treat them totally different to if we were to do that. We certainly wouldn't beat them up. We certainly wouldn't say, Oh my God, why did you do that? So it's about flipping that switch and seeing us as important as our friends and being able to give ourselves the compassion that we give to others.
Yeah, that's so beautiful. It's perfect. It's something, it's a conversation I have with my 16 year old son actually pretty regularly because he's really hard on himself. And I ask him like, is this the way that you would, you know, talk to your friends? He's like, no, of course not, you know. And I'm like, well, why would you talk to yourself that way?
You know, and it's, you know, where it's gonna be a learning process, right, for all of us. I think just the beginning of the awareness that, you know, we deserve to treat ourselves the way that we would treat others, right? I think that's a beautiful starting point. [00:39:00] What a powerful thing for you to learn at age 16 to have compassion for yourself rather than constantly beat yourself up.
You know, if I'd have known that at age 16, I wouldn't have been beating myself up for 32 years. It's a little bit natural though, unfortunately, I think we kind of, it's just a natural sort of thing that we do for ourselves, we're just naturally hard on ourselves, and I don't know if that's for everyone or just people who experience, you know, childhood trauma, but you know, it does take mindfulness and awareness of like, gosh, why am I, why am I talking like this?
You know, redirect, right? I think that's the thing, isn't it? Back to that egotistical mind as a child. Well, it can only be our fault. So, we grow up. In our Bible, again, everything must be our fault because we can't see the world around us. We can't see what people, we can't have the [00:40:00] understanding of what's going on for the people.
So it has to be us. So we start that belief and that habit of. beating ourselves up from a very, very early age. Why isn't mommy coming? Mommy's are supposed to come and pick us up and make us feel comfortable. Well, it must be our fault. We're doing something wrong. And that can start from birth just because we don't have that ability to recall vision from age three doesn't mean that our body still doesn't remember it.
So many trauma survivors struggle with feelings of shame and guilt. How does the journey of inner child healing help to foster self acceptance and what are some practices that you could offer that could help to support this? It's really powerful to acknowledge that the shame that we felt from those experiences, the shame belongs to our shame [00:41:00] givers.
What they did was shameful. How they caused us to feel was shameful. What they did to us was shameful. And it's about understanding that. Again, going back to that, Oh my God, what if this happened to my best friend? What if this happened to my neighbor? How would we respond? And then when we can see that, No, it wasn't our fault, it was their fault.
It was never our fault. Then we are able then to bundle up this shame and say no and give it back. It's not mine. It's yours. You deal with it because I've dealt with it for decades. I'm not dealing with it anymore. That's perfect. That was so beautiful. Um, so do you have any recommendations on like how to help build that inner confidence [00:42:00] when it comes to doing that inner child work?
So I always say this, imagine from the age of, oh I don't know, from the time that you came into this world. The people around you have been supportive, have looked at you with smiles in their eyes of genuine joy, have told you that you bring joy to their lives, have shown you that you bring joy to their lives.
Have shown you that they enjoy your company, have shown you that what you can say matters. Have listened to. You have heard, you have made you feel valued. If you had of had that from birth, would you have self abusive talk? Would you have problems loving yourself? Would you have problems with your self confidence?
I doubt it very much. So if we can give this confidence To ourselves [00:43:00] if we can be that champion that we needed when we were growing up and we can We can go to our inner child and like I was saying, you know, what did you dream of? How did you sleep? Hello, my darling. How are you feeling by doing that and building that up?
then we will fill our Happy nice memories inside out type thing. Um, happy nice memory marbles of You Being included, being wanted, being seen, being heard, being valued. And then the ones which weren't, those horrible black ones, will become less and less. So then our brain, to keep us safe, won't need to keep reflecting on these ones, because these ones will become less and less existent as we are topping up.
Our marbles on our positive experiences. This then enables us to have that self confidence to keep [00:44:00] doing that self inner work. That was so beautiful. Thank you so much. I know for myself to help build my confidence. Like I really have to kind of remind myself of what I have accomplished and what I, what, you know, like I have, you know, you know, I'll list the things that I'm, you know, the things I'm grateful for accomplishing and that really helps to kind of remind me and get me back into a state of feeling more confident.
I know that is a way of, for me personally, that can help a lot. It's about reframing stuff, isn't it? It's about flipping how we've done things before, because it wasn't working. I had a call today with my mentor, and instead of saying, What's going wrong? The first thing she does is, What's going right? And I'm like, Wasn't expecting that one.
I could have told you some things that weren't going right, but actually it seems to be going rather well. But I could, we're so used to always [00:45:00] starting with what isn't going well, but just by flipping it, it enables us to see that maybe it's not as bad as we think because we've been dwelling on these things which aren't going well.
Rather than all the amazing things that are going well. Perspective is so important. This was so incredible. It was such an incredible hour of chatting with you, Kathy. Thank you so much for sharing everything. You're such a sweetheart. I can imagine that Your retreats in Wales are just fantastic and fun and such a wonderful place to be to help tap into that inner child.
So I wonder, would you tell the people who are watching and listening to our conversation today, let them know where they can find more information about you and your retreats? Fantastic, thank you. Yes, you can find me on communitygatherings. uk, that's our website. I'm really big on Facebook, I am a typical Facebook mum, my children [00:46:00] tell me.
Facebook, Kathy L Sanderson, and you can also look for the Community Camping and Healing Gatherings. Facebook group and see what we do on there too. Awesome. Well, thank you. Thank you so much Kathy and thank you to all of those who took the time to watch and listen. It's been very enjoyable. Oh good. You're so welcome.
It's my pleasure.
